I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I need a burrito and a hug.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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