my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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