3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
