Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
