Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
