The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
