note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Randomize
