1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
