Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
