just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
