I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
