I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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