in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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