we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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