I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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