Pappa wants mamma naked
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
