i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
