No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
