what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
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