I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
