Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
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