Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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