Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
