my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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