I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
