Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Randomize
