I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Randomize
