last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Four minutes until I can fart!
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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