my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Randomize
