Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Just cropdusted the office
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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