I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
