The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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