I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Randomize
