I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
