He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
