i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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