My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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