Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
