Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
