i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
