My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
