even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
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