she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
He has the fingertips of a God
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
