So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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