You were right. It hurts to walk today.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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