I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize