Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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