So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
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You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
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Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
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