i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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