I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Randomize
