my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
