Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
