my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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