i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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