I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
