I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
