about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
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