1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
