I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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