I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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