I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
