dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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