I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
